Nerd Wars

Based on Avrei Voluto (Italy 1990)

You’ll seldom see me at parties
Getting wasted impedes mental progress
I’d rather practice my chess moves, or play World of Warcraft
Even candy defines me, ‘cause my favourite brand’s Smarties
And I never drink Kool-Aid
Plus, my scale-model TARDIS
Proves there simply cannot be
Anyone else this nerdy, nerdy

You think you’re king of the outcasts
But you’re nowhere near the geek that I am
While in college, I studied theoretical physics – you took social science!
And a glance at your Facebook
Shows some dubious interests
There’re sitcoms, bands, and sports!
While I’d rather read journals
Academic in nature
Solely science, never arts

So what? I’m nerdier than you
That isn’t what I’d conclude

You claim that you’re into Star Trek
But you only like Next Generation
Though you say you play war games
You don’t paint all your own figures!

Well, the conlang you made up
Has such regular grammar
That’s not natural at all!
It was never intended to be spoken by humans!

I’m related to Niels Bohr!
I’m a big star in nerdcore!
Well, your comic book trove’s poor!

You’ll never win in these nerd wars
‘Cause I’ve clearly got the most credentials
So let’s showdown with card games, or a few differentials
It’s clear that I’ll beat you
Pottermore’s sorting hat
Said I’ve got Ravenclaw logic
Well, Hermione Granger was in Gryffindor like me
And we know the way that went
Best-of-five Sporcle challenge
Who knows pi to most digits?
But athletics? Surely not, no!

I found an equal nerd in you
I could play D and D with you
Co-write an article with you
…or take off our clothes and screw