My Muslim Friend

Based on Amsterdam (The Netherlands 1980)

What should I tell my Muslim friend?
I’ve no intention to offend
But it gets harder to pretend
That this doesn’t bother me a bit
His words and actions seldom fit
He’s a blatant hypocrite!

‘Cos he eats ham
He eats ham
He so shamelessly eats ham
He eats ham
He eats ham
He doesn’t give a damn!
Parma ham
Smithfield ham
And whilst I’m no imam
It’s all ham
Tasty ham
Even I know pork’s haram!

Since many years it’s been the same
He’s running late? His faith’s to blame
He says religion’s not a game
Hear the latest reason for delay
He said he “needs more time to pray”
I bite my tongue, for fear I’ll say:

“But you eat ham
So much ham
All this piety’s a sham!
Snacks of ham!
Packs of ham!
So stop blaming Islam!”

Though a strict
Adherent to what’s in his Holy Book
With regards to what’s cooked
Cloven hooves get overlooked
To eat ham, endless ham
Despite it not being God’s plan
He eats ham, always ham
Yet cites from the Koran!


I already am!
So to hell with the ban!

“Share, dear friend, my tin of SPAM!”