Special Bergen Tour

Based on Brandenburger Tor (Norway 1990)

I hail tourists in the city:
“We do daily trips where I am your host!”
On a manky coach, grotty and shitty
Seats are growing old smelly moss
I am full of despair, though I brightly declare:
“Come with me (with me) on a Bergen tour!”


Dumb-arse people get on board this tour
Dressed in shell-suits from the discount store
“Fasten seatbelts for this Bergen tour:
Be safe on our Bergen tour
Yes, be safe on our Bergen tour”


“Greetings folks! Now we’re leaving
Let me tell you of a little culture
Bergenhus kept the Old Town protected”
Jerk shouts: “Speak up!”, I smile: “Yes, sir”
“On the left: Olaf’s church”
Someone please use the birch
On all (on all) the buggers on this tour


People laughing loudly on this tour
“Ha!” I fix a grin, but they’re a bore
“Vagen Harbour next stop on this tour
Three cheers for our Bergen tour!”


I drive off the harbour wall
Here we go (we go): a special seabed tour…


(Seatbelts don’t unbuckle on this tour)
And I’ve superglued the coach’s door
Just me laughing now on board this tour
“Yes dears, it’s our final tour”


(BEEP BEEP BEEP – alarm clock’s early call)
I wake up – I must have dreamt it all
I roll out of bed onto the floor
Get dressed, and walk out the door


(Off to work now, running Bergen tours)
I despair – this job is such a chore
So I shout to passers-by galore:
“Join me for a special tour
Yes, join me for our final tour…”